Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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