Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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