Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
