Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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