ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
