I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
