this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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