my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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