dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She told me I should be a condom model.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What drink are we having for lunch?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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