dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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