i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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