my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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