just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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