Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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