people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
