I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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