and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
