He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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