They should really pass out barf bags in church
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
