I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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