but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm having to shit out rocks
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