It's like God shit irony all over that family
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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