Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
