Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
