shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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