Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
