this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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