nut hugger
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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