so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
