i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
last night I used snow as a chaser
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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