When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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