I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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