So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i dont even know how to be here
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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