I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
