oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
