whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
not ubering you a puppy
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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