i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
