I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How does one acquire holy water?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
