Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
pop tarts are not kleenex
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
we should paint friendship bongs
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