Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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