Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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