Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
