apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
