dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
