Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
