Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
