My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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