4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my vag is so smooth its legendary
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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