you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
