you traded sex for a burrito?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
