I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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