it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
