Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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