Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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