i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
