Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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