he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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